Hello again.

    I tend to get a bit lazy updating my blog. For that, I apologize for those who read it.

Summer time has officially taken over. I haven't had time (or made time) to even jot a single word in my personal journal. So I'm sitting down with a hot cup of green tea and a stack of mail that checks need to be written and sent out, but, I am in the post yoga meditation mood so I'm feeling ready to share feelings and thoughts.

Love. I feel like I should continue to touch on this because I'm still learning so much about this thing called love. How it's expressed, felt, nourished, broken. I'm beginning to think I should dedicate more time to studying the actions/motivations of love.

I asked my best friend what she was up to, just like most normal days in texting conversations and she replied "writing a letter to my future husband". So I'm thinking she has addressed this to someone specific. Indeed I was wrong. She was writing her feelings of love to someone she may not even know yet, or someone whom maybe she has.

What if we all were so willing. To open our hearts and share our thoughts of love so easily. Too often we allow the ugly world we live in to slowly close the door on what we truly feel for someone. It has hardened once was once sensitive.  We take into consideration others opinions and thoughts and try to convince our own hearts that we will or will not love someone.

"what if"-
        you opened your eyes but see with your heart. to look at everyone or everything with love. then
"what if"-
        you used that as your motivating force to make a positive imprint on every day and everyone.
"what if"
        you have prepared yourself for hurt and heartache so well knowing you have spread the love in your heart. the burden of hurt is quickly lifted when your kindness isn't receive as intended.
"what if"-
       you can share with someone that love and only love has brought you together and continued forgiveness has kept you there?! That will be next topic!

"let us always greet each other with a smile, for the smile is the beginning of love." Mother Teresa

let it be

   Always wanting the last word. I suffered from this terrible want for a very long time. By the time the conversation lead up to a full blown argument and voices were now at the highest of volumes the neighbors could hear, I had said the most hurtful, stabbing comment I could come up with....why?...just to have the last word. I felt accomplished at that point. In my mind I had won. Sick. Looking at the reasoning and allowing myself to learn that there is a way to handle these difficult and temper poking situations. The common denominator in each of these kind of situations was me. I needed to so something about my mouth.
     Love. I learned to love. Fully, whole, with kindness. I first had to learn that it was for myself first and foremost. That if I cannot respect and love my own peace, how can I then let that show through to others? This took a lot of biting my tongue. Opening my ears. Not only has this taught me to keep quiet but also to really listen. Make a connection with listening to the tone, volume, and true meaning of what others are saying. There have been and I know will be many times when I don't like what I'm hearing or know that it is only damaging to participate in the conversation. I know that I do not and will not be sucked into any confrontations that will effect my peace. Simply walk away. No words, no explination, no need to speak harmful words. Let it be.

Gone fishing...

  So its been a while since I have posted on here. I've been out exploring and experiencing what life has so graciously given to me. Summertime is my favorite!!!
   I can't say enough how learning to live in the moment has freed me from so many of my own difficulties. I used to live in the past or the future. For example, these were my thoughts constantly "this has happened to me before I know how it will end (and not even start) or this isn't going anywhere so why even put myself through it". So many missed opportunities to find joy in the present. Letting go of what was and letting in what might be are the words I have to live by. I mean don't get me wrong no one wants to feel heartbreak or sadness but how will we ever grow and learn acceptance if we don't allow ourselves to feel.  News flash,  it happened before, and it will happen again. BUT building an inner strength to push through and find the positive lesson of each moment and how it molds us to be better, willing people in this world.
 I am surrounded with amazing people in my life who I cant help but feel so incredibly humbled to have crossed path with let alone make memories with. Each and every one has taught me so much about who I am and strive to be. My heart is so full! It brings me to happy tears!
   Acceptance my friends. Acceptance. Find out who you are, what your role is in each life you encounter, accept it and then go be happy!!!! Have a great time doing it! Enjoy the ride!

Friends

      This transformation in life has brought all kinds of people in and out. I can rest assured knowing I have amazing, loyal and respectful friends. I may not see them all the time or even have the same type of "friendship" with each person but they are the best. I strive to keep a positive attitude about me and attract people with the same. Continued thankfulness for each and every person that I have the opportunity to share my life with. The differences in each of us are embraced.
     The differences allow me to keep an open mind. To realize the struggles we each face in this, at times, cruel world. It is safe to say that I once was very strong and unwavering on my views on certain topics, but that lead me to be so closed off to experiencing true friendship and dare I say love.  To have opened my heart to new experiences, my heart smiles. I've never felt more alive.
     Speaking of love, it has finally occurred to me that love is given and received in so many forms. As a mother unconditional love is my most familiar type given and received. I found myself "googling" types of love. You should too. Of course Wikipdia has a great read on the 4 loves. I was so intrigued by the love between friends. It states "so few actually experienced true friendship". I must say I am one of those. Maybe it comes with age and lessons learned but respect is, I feel, the biggest part of a friendship. Respect in opinions, differences, agree to disagree at times. Quit possibly one does not know true friends until life has been turned upside down or on the flip side of that at the happiest of moments. What about the everyday of it? Who's in it for the long haul? Its almost a type of marriage between people. Something to think about. I ask you to take a minute today and thank your friends. Tell them you appreciate them in your life. All too often we forget to show gratitude for the things that have been so freely given to us. Spread the love!

Finding direction, peace.

    Do what you love. I've heard that many times but never really let it sink in. I used to be so wrapped up in what I thought everyone else wanted me to do and who to love rather than really tapping into my own wants and needs. I used to think it was just my nature to put others feelings ahead of mine but I ran outta gas so to speak. I learned the only way to serve and help others was to first do exactly that for myself first and foremost. Scary thought, I may just have to say NO or ask for a different option that will better serve me, but oh how dare I not be happy with what's just given to me.
   Each person that has made their way into my life has served me such purpose once I finally realized it. Each activity I've "signed" up for or participated in has served me purpose. But the one thing I never allowed myself to do was yoga. I mean I've taken some classes here and there, college physical  education credits, and the DVDs you get with your higher impact exercise sets,  over the course of a few years but nothing really consistent. I don't think I ever wanted to make it anything more than a physical exercise. I only wanted to do insane very high impact workouts that seemed out of my mind. That's the only way I felt I would "get results". Yoga never "really did it for me". Until the recent past. I'm so thankful for my yoga practice. Things that have happened to me just very recent had left me devastated. Except this time something so life changing occurred and I'm able to let it go. Learning more about myself, meditating on each part of my true being has allowed me to overcome not only negative feelings in the now but also to let go of the past.
   I have taken  my yoga practice to my own back porch. I have journaled my progress.
I am humbled. Its a true transformation. I have expanded a circle of friends. I am grateful and thankful to participate, to get out of my comfort zone on a daily basis. Everybody copes differently. Today I choose to work through the struggle and i''ll start with downward dog :)

Skeletons

    In the spirit of spring cleaning, time to clean out the skeletons in the closet. Each and everyone of us have had them in there and some still continue to leave them there. I know I did for a very long time. It was my crutch. It was what I blamed my current actions, attitude, choices and mistakes. I needed the skeletons in the closet only to expose them so I didn't have to take responsibility that it was actually me that put them there to begin with. I realized that to obtain the self set goals for the future I needed to do some cleaning first. Just like any chore, it wasn't enjoyable. My first task I was faced with was caring about what everyone thought of me. A lot of the skeletons I put in my closet were because I felt the need to hide them to live up to certain expectations of others. I made a list of those "others" that had an idea of who I should or am supposed to be. I took that list of people and burned it. Fear sets in at this point. I remember thinking "if I don't do this or I don't do that, than i'll lose this person, Ill be lonely". The fact is I was already lonely not being able to share my true self. Alone in a crowded room as they say. The act of burning the list is to have a sense of closure that the past is indeed dead but also of reconstruction. When a house is burnt, the next step is to restore it. The same is illustrated in the exercise of burning this list. Striking the match, holding it to the paper, watching it catch fire and seeing nothing but ashes left of the past. Feels good. Hurts at first, but I promise, feeling good is coming. Keep moving forward with the process.
     So after I had the guts to lose some "friends" I started after each and every skeleton. Facing them on my own. After all I had put them there. It was my choices that stock piled my closet. I pulled out each memory it brought along with it. Its like pulling out an old shirt on the hanger, holding it up and looking at it, remembering the very moment you were in when you were wearing it. Feeling it, the soft comfortable emotion you had. Or, the coarseness, abrasive fabric you experienced while in that moment. I examined each as I pulled them out of the closet. Time was spent and tears were cried. Many tears. (If you say you do not cry, I recommend it.) The tears shed during this process allowed me to move forward. I vowed to myself never to relive that moment because I had already "cried it out" for the last time.  Give yourself a good cry. Then pack up the remains and pitch them.
      This isn't a half assed kinda job. You have to be fully ready to make that closet shine. Be true to your real self. If you don't know yourself, spend some time soul searching.

Running past the limits....

        I'm certainly not one to brag or to even say I'm proud of anything I do for fear of not staying humble. It goes along with the idea of caring about others and putting their feelings above my own.

       This weekend I finished a half marathon. Something I was told would be impossible with 2 kids, shift work, bus stop, packing lunches, homework and so on.  I AM PROUD OF MYSELF. Yep I said it. I feel empowered. Empowered to take steps in moving on from things that have been dragging me down. I knew that balance is hard to obtain but the strive for it is worth it once you feel it. I am physically capable of doing anything I put my mind to. As I am mentally capable of doing anything my physical self is willing to let go of. I have been carrying many burdens for a long time. Physically carrying my stress in my shoulders, back. During training I would sometimes feel so bogged down and not able to finish. I gave myself the time on Sunday during this half marathon to battle it out. I had 2 hours of me, the road, and my music to sort, let go and realize I am in control. I am in control of myself and no one else. I do not need to put myself through any unnecessary negative scenarios. I simply just choose to be happy. To know my own limitations and to know when they are being pushed. At that point I can choose to push through or to turn away. I am in control of my choice.

       I have overwhelming support from family and people I call my friends. Friends that have given their time, patience, love and understanding of my life agenda. These wonderful people I call my friends have been there with my hurting heart and my laughing heart and love me just the same. They never give up on me. I feel so undeserving.

      I will continue to push through and run past my limits, freely, openly, and ready for the experience. Empowered.