Finding direction, peace.

    Do what you love. I've heard that many times but never really let it sink in. I used to be so wrapped up in what I thought everyone else wanted me to do and who to love rather than really tapping into my own wants and needs. I used to think it was just my nature to put others feelings ahead of mine but I ran outta gas so to speak. I learned the only way to serve and help others was to first do exactly that for myself first and foremost. Scary thought, I may just have to say NO or ask for a different option that will better serve me, but oh how dare I not be happy with what's just given to me.
   Each person that has made their way into my life has served me such purpose once I finally realized it. Each activity I've "signed" up for or participated in has served me purpose. But the one thing I never allowed myself to do was yoga. I mean I've taken some classes here and there, college physical  education credits, and the DVDs you get with your higher impact exercise sets,  over the course of a few years but nothing really consistent. I don't think I ever wanted to make it anything more than a physical exercise. I only wanted to do insane very high impact workouts that seemed out of my mind. That's the only way I felt I would "get results". Yoga never "really did it for me". Until the recent past. I'm so thankful for my yoga practice. Things that have happened to me just very recent had left me devastated. Except this time something so life changing occurred and I'm able to let it go. Learning more about myself, meditating on each part of my true being has allowed me to overcome not only negative feelings in the now but also to let go of the past.
   I have taken  my yoga practice to my own back porch. I have journaled my progress.
I am humbled. Its a true transformation. I have expanded a circle of friends. I am grateful and thankful to participate, to get out of my comfort zone on a daily basis. Everybody copes differently. Today I choose to work through the struggle and i''ll start with downward dog :)

Skeletons

    In the spirit of spring cleaning, time to clean out the skeletons in the closet. Each and everyone of us have had them in there and some still continue to leave them there. I know I did for a very long time. It was my crutch. It was what I blamed my current actions, attitude, choices and mistakes. I needed the skeletons in the closet only to expose them so I didn't have to take responsibility that it was actually me that put them there to begin with. I realized that to obtain the self set goals for the future I needed to do some cleaning first. Just like any chore, it wasn't enjoyable. My first task I was faced with was caring about what everyone thought of me. A lot of the skeletons I put in my closet were because I felt the need to hide them to live up to certain expectations of others. I made a list of those "others" that had an idea of who I should or am supposed to be. I took that list of people and burned it. Fear sets in at this point. I remember thinking "if I don't do this or I don't do that, than i'll lose this person, Ill be lonely". The fact is I was already lonely not being able to share my true self. Alone in a crowded room as they say. The act of burning the list is to have a sense of closure that the past is indeed dead but also of reconstruction. When a house is burnt, the next step is to restore it. The same is illustrated in the exercise of burning this list. Striking the match, holding it to the paper, watching it catch fire and seeing nothing but ashes left of the past. Feels good. Hurts at first, but I promise, feeling good is coming. Keep moving forward with the process.
     So after I had the guts to lose some "friends" I started after each and every skeleton. Facing them on my own. After all I had put them there. It was my choices that stock piled my closet. I pulled out each memory it brought along with it. Its like pulling out an old shirt on the hanger, holding it up and looking at it, remembering the very moment you were in when you were wearing it. Feeling it, the soft comfortable emotion you had. Or, the coarseness, abrasive fabric you experienced while in that moment. I examined each as I pulled them out of the closet. Time was spent and tears were cried. Many tears. (If you say you do not cry, I recommend it.) The tears shed during this process allowed me to move forward. I vowed to myself never to relive that moment because I had already "cried it out" for the last time.  Give yourself a good cry. Then pack up the remains and pitch them.
      This isn't a half assed kinda job. You have to be fully ready to make that closet shine. Be true to your real self. If you don't know yourself, spend some time soul searching.

Running past the limits....

        I'm certainly not one to brag or to even say I'm proud of anything I do for fear of not staying humble. It goes along with the idea of caring about others and putting their feelings above my own.

       This weekend I finished a half marathon. Something I was told would be impossible with 2 kids, shift work, bus stop, packing lunches, homework and so on.  I AM PROUD OF MYSELF. Yep I said it. I feel empowered. Empowered to take steps in moving on from things that have been dragging me down. I knew that balance is hard to obtain but the strive for it is worth it once you feel it. I am physically capable of doing anything I put my mind to. As I am mentally capable of doing anything my physical self is willing to let go of. I have been carrying many burdens for a long time. Physically carrying my stress in my shoulders, back. During training I would sometimes feel so bogged down and not able to finish. I gave myself the time on Sunday during this half marathon to battle it out. I had 2 hours of me, the road, and my music to sort, let go and realize I am in control. I am in control of myself and no one else. I do not need to put myself through any unnecessary negative scenarios. I simply just choose to be happy. To know my own limitations and to know when they are being pushed. At that point I can choose to push through or to turn away. I am in control of my choice.

       I have overwhelming support from family and people I call my friends. Friends that have given their time, patience, love and understanding of my life agenda. These wonderful people I call my friends have been there with my hurting heart and my laughing heart and love me just the same. They never give up on me. I feel so undeserving.

      I will continue to push through and run past my limits, freely, openly, and ready for the experience. Empowered.

Mother's Day

May 11, 2014
Mother's Day
          I decided about halfway through the day that I would hold off on starting my chapters in life and write about the emotions of this special day. My two daughters (Paige 7 and Addison 4) slept in until 7:30am! wow! Paige had been chomping at the bit to "hide" my mother's day present she made at school since Friday afternoon when I picked her up. She changed the "hiding place" about 3 times thinking I would go searching. I played along but I really was looking forward to seeing her masterpiece she created just for me. Paige made a homemade book titled "Honey". She colored a honey pot shaped booklet and cut out each page. It contained pages of short poems about what I like and don't like. I cried in happiness while reading this. In her 7 year old mind Mommy likes to cook, exercise and do yoga, read and something else I couldn't quit figure out her spelling and grammar nor could she remember either :).  I don't like burping out loud, driving, back talk and whining. Paige also colored I love Mom on a candle at girl scouts and that was the second part of my gift. My heart sings in happiness! Addison on the other hand, gave me my give at approx. 11:35 on Friday afternoon. I pick her up from preschool shortly before that. Laughing. Her artwork consisted of her cute little hand prints where the shape of a flower and a precious picture of her in the middle. Her sweet voice kept telling me all day "happy mothers day mommy".
      This time in life may be a huge transition period but one thing holds steadfast is the unconditional love of a mother and her children. I could not imagine my life being any type of complete without my two lovely girls. It is my job to learn about their souls and guide them, embrace the true beings that they are and becoming. I'll talk more about the difference in them as time goes on...
      Feeling overjoyed and content. :)

Transformations

 Transformation- to undergo a change in form, appearance, or character;

 

In the deep, dark pit of our own personal hell; something sparks us to begin a transformation. A change from the person we were molded to be by so many outside influences ,in which some we may have had no control over (for example the way we were raised.) This "spark" comes from an unknown source that is aware of our need. Maybe a power greater than ourselves. Some people call it God (but that's not a debate I'm getting into during my first blog). At this point a choice is made. A choice to pursue happiness, find peace and inner contentment or to continue the struggle, living in fear, worry. The choice to be happy may indeed be more difficult than that of staying in the struggle. What I mean by this is its hard to break old habits. We are all aware of how easy it is to stay stagnant and muttle through. For example, diets. I mean how easy is it to continuing eating what you want because you enjoy it and the only person you're hurting is yourself. There's no motivating force or you can't seem to produce it yourself. Its just easier to accept it than change it.

There are people that come and go in our lives that I like to consider chapters in our book of life. Some will stay for the whole story and others will simply be there for a few pages. Ill be honest and say I am currently in a transition/transformation time where I'm ending one chapter and starting another. With that said, knowing I can share my story and eventually I will share it  (at the proper time for me) and inspire those who have dealt with or are going through similar situations.

So this being my first blog I am going to consider this the "forward" to my story. Stay tuned.